In twelve days, Golda Stein and I will celebrate fourteen years of marriage. We picked an easy date to remember, August 1. Even so, over the years, we haven't always been in a position that we even wanted to remember that day. Sadly, that's how relationships go, sometimes.
Hopefully, this date will be one to remember anew. I have to say that my understanding of love has been seriously deficient. The last couple of years, that has come under serious scrutiny thanks to my spirit guides.
In this blog, you have read many of my thoughts concerning the definition of love. While the thoughts are high and seem to be meaningful, the transformation of the mind has been very slow. As I have pointed out many times, the largest obstacle to love is the lack of love for self. I am yet working on that, and until I can say that I love myself, I will find it very difficult to love anyone else.
Even so, there is a saving grace, in spite of my failures, thanks be to God. Let me explain by describing an incident prior to our marriage. Golda had announced to her children of our plans to marry. Her youngest daughter, who at the time was a student at Indiana University at Bloomington, Indiana, called me on the phone.
“Hi, DeHomely. I'm Susan. So, you and mom are going to get married?”
“Well, I want to learn more about you. Do you mind if I ask you some questions?”
“Fire away,” I said.
“Describe who you are. Tell me how you fit in to this world. Justify your existence.”
Curiously, that was not really a challenge to me at the time. In fact, for several weeks prior to that phone call, I had been examining that very issue with myself. I had already worked through the justification for my existence.
At the time, I was an fundamental evangelical Christian. My answer came quickly. “Actually, Susan, I can't justify my existence. That is entirely up to my Savior, Jesus Christ. It is only in Him that I have life. It is only in Him that there is any reason for me to be alive.”
Susan, too, was, and still is, a devout Christian. The answer satisfied her and she blessed our marriage.
As you have already surmised, while I do not take issue with the gentle man of peace, I am no longer a Christian. So, how do I justify my existence, now?
It is simple. I do not exist outside of my Creator. I cannot justify my existence in anyway except to point to Him and say, He is the one that justifies me. If He does not, then I no longer exist. Since His love is true love, He will never forsake me, and He will continue to be my justification. He will continue to be the lover of my soul, teaching me to love myself, and empowering me to give true love to others.
The saving grace of His unwavering love, is the same grace that will hold together the marriage of DeHomely Tigerpaw and Golda Stein. Already, I feel the changes taking place in me, and I have no doubt that my loving Creator will bring me to be love, as He is love, and our marriage will reach a higher plane.
Be Peace. Be Love.