Violation of Trust

Has anyone ever shown you disrespect? Has someone recently violated a principle you hold to be true. Has anyone ever violated your trust? It causes so much pain, does it not? It seems recently that I have had to endure an inordinate amount of such stress.

I have mentioned Byron Katie in one of my other posts. She has developed a reliable method for confronting such situations – not with the offender; with yourself. She leads you through defining the problem and describing what you think about it. Then she asks, “Who would you be without the thought?”

Of course, most people respond, “Well, I would be very happy if I didn't have that thought.” For example, let's say a friend named Clay did not want to be a reference on a job application. You are offended and think, “Clay doesn't trust me. Clay thinks I'm going to blow it and reflect poorly on him. Clay is so selfish!”

Now imagine for a moment that you are talking to Clay and you no longer have these negative thoughts about how Clay doesn't trust you, and Clay is not your best friend. Wouldn't it seem that it would be much easier to talk to Clay about anything once again?

Byron Katie's method is effective. It works for me. But, what if I could have prevented ever making a judgment against my friend, Clay, altogether? To be able to do that takes a realistic understanding of a relationship. On one level, you know and understand the relationship with Clay well enough that you know what you can and can't ask him to do. That is not a judgment against the friend. It indicates a mature evaluation of the relationship, and accepts the limitations of the relationship without taking it as a personal affront, or as criticism of the other person.

This brings to mind the third principle of mindfulness training I found in Thich Nhat Hanh's book, Being Peace.

Aware of the suffering brought about when we impose our views on others, we are committed not to force others, even our children, by any means whatsoever—such as authority, threat, money, propaganda, or indoctrination—to accept our view. We will respect the right of others to be different and to choose what to believe and how to decide. We will, however, help others renounce fanaticism and narrowness through compassionate dialogue. (Thich Nhat, Hanh, Being Peace Pages 92-93)

*see the note below

"How does this apply to a friend who has violated my trust?" you ask. Simple. Somewhere in your mind you have formed a definition of what a friend is, or of what you expect of a friend. In so doing, you impose upon that friend this set of expectations. Stated another way, be aware of your expectations in friendship. Adjust them as necessary so that you are not subconsciously imposing those expectations on your friends. This is a quality of true love--and true love by definition is unconditional. It will save you grief in the long run.

Now, you have two paths you may follow as far as dealing with the feelings of having been disrespected or having your trust violated. The first and most preferable, is be realistic about the limitations of a friendship. All friendships have their limitations. Know them; respect them; respect and honor the views of your friends as well as your so-called “enemies.” In so doing, you will not set your friend up to disappoint you.

The alternative and less desirable path is to deal with the feelings after a trust has been violated. Check out Byron Katie's site. http://www.thework.com

Byron Katie has written many books. The only one I have read thus far is Loving What Is It is an excellent insightful book. Read it.


NOTE:
OK. Confession time. There is one part of the principle with which I struggle: “We will, however, help others renounce fanaticism and narrowness through compassionate dialogue.” It sounds like a great ideal; at least until you ask, “What does 'fanaticism' and 'narrowness' mean?” I remember laws against “excessively noisy” vehicles in cities around the U.S.A. Most people would rally behind such laws. However, in most cities, those laws were declared unconstitutional because there was no real legal description of what “excessive noise” means.

In other words, the meaning of “fanaticism and narrowness” is too open to interpretation. Anyone can arbitrarily determine what is fanaticism and narrowness and engage in a “compassionate dialogue.” It also sounds like, “You have a right to say or do anything unless I think you are being fanatic or narrow-minded.” Don't get me wrong, I'm not a legalistic person. However, I have found myself in various situations through out life where vague rules have been challenged, rendering them almost unenforcible. Even so, let's not preclude the scenario wherein a patient and loving soul could lead a fanatic and narrow-minded person in a dialogue that includes agreeable definitions, and from there arrive at a resolution and liberation from fanaticism and narrowness.

The Dalai Lama and Open-mindedness

Have you ever read anything by the Dalai Lama? Listen, if you have not, you need to. The tiger has not yet been disappointed by anything by, or about the Dalai Lama. The man can converse with anyone about anything from an amoeba to quantum physics. He can talk to theoretical physicists and he can talk to a simple tiger. He has read and digested volumes of all kinds of books with all kinds of focuses. He is simply amazing.

Thich Nhat Hanh in Being Peace presents fourteen principles he calls “Mindfulness Training” which may explain why the Dalai Lama is such a scholar. Here is the Second Mindfulness Training principle.

Aware of the suffering created by attachment to views and wrong perceptions, we are determined to avoid being narrow-minded and bound to present views. We shall learn and practice non-attachment from views in order to be open to others' insights and experiences. We are aware that the knowledge we presently possess is not changeless, absolute truth. Truth is found in life, and we will observe life within and around us in every moment, ready to learn throughout our lives. (Thich Nhat Hanh, Being Peace page 92)

Just how open-minded is “open-minded?” The Jew In the Lotus by Rodger Kamenetz, is a moving non-fiction book that provides a great insight into the mind of the Dalai Lama: The setting of the book is in Dharamsala in the state of Himachal Pradesh in northern India in the fall of 1990 where the Dalai Lama had organized a dialog with Jewish leaders. The purpose of the dialog was to understand how Jews have survived persecution after persecution over the last two-thousand years or more. While the book is more about Mr. Kamenetz's spiritual journey of returning to his Jewish roots after watching the Dalai Lama and the proceedings, Mr. Kamenetz describes in detail the person of the Dalai Lama.

Imagine that! A religious leader being open-minded enough to seek guidance from the leaders of another religion!

Now, if you get the chance, read a book by Dr. Daniel Goleman called Destructive Emotions: How Can We Overcome them? This book details a conference with leaders of Western psychologists, neuro-scientists and philosophers and the Dalai Lama. The Dalai and some of his associates demonstrated to these scientists his breadth of knowledge, for one, but more interestingly, he demonstrated a life style that has proven to be effective in mitigating destructive emotions. It is a fascinating book.

Can you think of a leader of a Western religion that could function as a peer on a committee of psychologists and neuro-scientists?

This tiger is impressed and will adopt at least the first two principles of mindfulness training.

Freedom, Grace, and Learning

Did you know tigers can read? Well, especially seeker tigers. The tiger has mentioned before that he doesn't know anything, yet. He is in the learning mode. So, tiger reads, tiger looks, and tiger listens, then tiger does some form of thinking about all of the input. He synthesizes, comparing what he holds as truth now to what he has just ingested. Several weeks ago, the tiger read Thich Nhat Hanh's Being Peace.

Many who recall Mahatma Gandhi also recall the notion that suggests you must be what you want the world to be. If you want peace, you must be peace. Thich Nhat Hanh offers some very basic “guides” for being peace. At the top of the list is the following:

Aware of the suffering created by fanaticism and intolerance, we are determined not to be idolatrous about or bound to any doctrine, theory, or ideology, even Buddhist ones. Buddhist teachings are guiding means to help us learn to look deeply and to develop our understanding and compassion. They are not doctrines to fight, kill, or die for. (Being Peace, Thich Nhat Hanh, Page 90)

Have you ever recalled a time in your life where you were absolutely convinced that you had “truth” and you thought you had an obligation to bring others to that truth? Have you since come to a point in your life where you look at those times, slap your forehead and scream in pain and embarrassment, “Dang! I was stupid.”

Well, if you could see the tiger now, you would probably wonder why there is red between the black stripes instead of that rich satin orange you normally see on tigers. Dang! He was so stupid back then. He will probably continue to replay those nightmarish years in his mind for three more incarnations.

Listen, tiger will recover. And the tiger understands that the recollection of that experience is precisely what keeps him from the arrogance that can come from learning.

Indeed, learning is a humbling experience. If it is not, then one is not really learning. One is most likely on the precipice of humiliation, which may, thankfully, result in learning. Mahatma Gandhi suggests that freedom without the freedom to fail is not freedom. There is grace in true freedom.

The tiger needs grace. The tiger loves grace.