Warning: If you are a Christian, you likely do not want to read this. I have nothing against those that embrace Christianity.  But, I certainly do not embrace Chriatianity and here is the reason why.

"If you were to die today and stand before God, and He asked you, 'Why should I let you into my heaven?', what would you say?"

That is the challenge that is meant to make one think about one's own relationship with God.  It make some intereesting assumptions.  The primary assumption is that you have to win favor with God or He won't let you into heaven.  The implication is that if you do not make it into heaven, you will spend eternity in a place of torments, called hell.

My question is, "Why would God ask me such a question?,  Did He not create me?  Does he not know how I have spent my life?  Why did God create me if he knew I would not measure up to his standards and He'd throw me into hell?

I do not challenge God.  I challenge what men believe about God. The basis of the Christian religion is that all men are "sinners" and destined for hell, except that a divine man named Jesus was scrificed on our behalf so that we would escape the hell we so deserve for being so offensive to God.  So, that brings me back to the question, "Why did God create me if he knew I would be offensive and he'd have to condemn me to hell?"  And further more, why would he punish an innocent man for my offenses.  Is that justice?  What kind of justice is that?  What conclusions should I draw about God from this information?  I tell you, I think God is probably insulted because of this belief that he creates humans with imperfections and weaknesses so that he can condemn them to hell. And then, for some reason, He finds a rare innocent man and has him tortured and murdered as restitution for the faliures and follies of the rest of humanity for all time.

I say no to all of the Christian notions of God.  God created me because He loves me unconditionally and his ultimate desire is to grow me into a creature that bears his own image. He will never give up on tha goal, and he will accomplish it without fail in as many lifetimes that it takes.

The problem is that man has made a god in their own flawed image and remain clueless about the Creator of all that is seen and unseen.

 

What I have come to believe

 

Since I have departed from the Christian community I am constantly challenged to explain myself. And maybe I'm a fool to think that I can explain myself completely and be completely understood. But I have to give it a try. It's impossible to answer all questions. I hope you understand what I do explain.

The first thing an Evangelical Christian has to understand about me is that I do not believe the set of scriptures called the “Bible” speaks with authority to anything but Jewish history, Jewish literature, and Jewish wisdom. And the New Testament is a highly filtered account of a man named Jesus from the town of Nazareth.

It's not a case that I reject the collection totally. It does contain wisdom, and it demonstrates human nature very accurately. But, I reject the notion that it speaks with the authority of God.

As a practical matter, that means quoting scripture will not have any effect on me, unless you are quoting from the epistles by Saul of Tarsus, the Apostle Paul. Paul ranks with my favorite philosophers because he has so many insights into the spirit.

The second thing one needs to understand is that I had a moment similar to when Paul was knocked off of his horse, and God spoke to him directly and set him straight about his mission. My moment came in 1979 in the Chiricahua Mountains of Arizona. where I experienced a direct encounter with God.. I have explained that encounter numerous times on Facebook. The immediate impact of that encounter was coming to understand that God loves me unconditionally. God accepts me as I am. That does not mean I am perfect. That does mean that God's love is perfect, and it is restorative and healing. It also does not mean that I understand all I know, or know all I have come to understand over the years since that incident. It does mean that the impact of the incident was so profound that it is ever before me, vivid as the moment it occurred. It does mean that I am ever trying to understand all there is to understand about the message that I received. It does mean that my understanding of God is above and beyond anything I could have ever known without the encounter. And the more I have come to understand, the deeper my love of my Creator.

Here are the very basic things I have come to know about my Creator. 1) Creator has created all things seen and unseen. 2)Creator is pure love and all things created are created with pure unconditional love. This includes all living things, including our human species Unconditional love means love WITHOUT conditions. 3)Creator does not withdraw Its love for any reason. It's UNCONDITIONAL

4)Creator does not seek to punish or destroy Its creation. When we humans behave poorly, bring injury to others, or abuse or harm parts of creation, Creator seeks to correct, bring healing, and restore those that have done harm. 5) No one gets away with causing harm. All who have done harm will pay a just price for the harm done, and will also have to do restitution. Creator's goal for all of creation is to grow and mature. Creator will ensure that goal is accomplished in time.

OK, Chuck, what about those people that commit heinous crimes against society, child molesters, Hitler's henchmen, torture, mutilation, stealing, rape, and so on? My purpose and goal is to learn to love unconditionally as I have been loved unconditionally. I have not been given a mandate to judge and punish those who do harm. Jesus warned that we not judge because we will be judged in like manner. The matter of judgment and correction belongs to Creator who knows all circumstances and is the only one capable of administering justice. Yes, I am absolutely abhorred and saddened by the cruelty we humans can inflict. But I will not waste precious energy judging and hating anyone, especially since I know and understand Creator's perfect and unconditional love for all.

I am told that by rejecting the Bible I have rejected the only absolute truth and that I am playing God by making my own rules. Does not the Apostle Paul say that all of creation is without excuse because the law of God is written in the fleshy tablets of the heart? I know that to be true, and it is more true for me now than it was prior to that day I received the total love of God. I do not make up the law. It indwells me in the form of the Holy Spirit of God;. And dare I say I understand the law better than ever before because love is the basis of the law.. Did not Jesus tell the pharisees that the greatest commandment was to love God above all else and to love others as we love ourselves? Fulfilling that law fulfills all the laws, according to Jesus.

What is the meaning of life? What is the purpose of life? What is MY purpose in life? Could it be that these questions are answered by the greatest commandment? Love God above all else; Love your neighbor as you love yourself. Why else would that be the greatest commandment if it were not the commandment by which we are told to live? Do we fulfill that commandment by judging others?  Do we fulfill that commandment by going to church every Sunday? How do we fulfill that commandment? Paul says we all fall short of the glory of God. How can that be if we have never killed anyone, never stolen from anyone, never broken even one commandment? The primary reason we all fall short is because we fail to love God above all else, and we fail to love others as we love ourselves. The meaning of life is love. The purpose of life is to love..My purpose in life is to love.

There may come a day way far in the future, when Earth shall be swallowed by a black hole. There will be nothing left to tell the story of man. All that transpired on Earth will be non-existent. It won't even be a memory. If you invested your life in material things, it will all come to naught, The only thing that will transcend and remain is love

This is my strategy for learning to love:

1. Be in continuous contact with the One who loves us unconditionally. He teaches us.

2. Apostle Paul gives us a definition that is crystal clear and gives us a direction: 1 Cor 13:4-8 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails.

3. Meditate on people and how we feel about them, and think about how we can identify with them so that we can love them. The Dalai Lama teaches how to do this exercise. It works. It has to become a constant habit, It has to be a constant exercise.

4. Learn to do meaningful things to help people.

5. Our first response to others should be compassion. Listen deeply to others. Understand them. Understand their needs. Accept them. Comfort them.

I do not want to misrepresent myself. I am not a Christian. It serves no good purpose to explain that, but I identify most with Taoism/Buddhism. I am not a Taoist or a Buddhist, either. I simply identify with and embrace its teachings.

Taoism, Buddhism and Christianity have many intersections when it comes to how we are to treat one another. A Christian must live the life of Christ to be a true Christian. Likewise, I must live by the teachings of the Tao. However, I differ from the Taoist in that my focus is on a Divine Being we commonly call God. I must live by the rules and guidance that the Creator has placed in my heart. The Creator is pure love, and I must live by love.

Make no mistake, I am deficient and imperfect in my life and in my ability to love. I fail miserably, but my Creator does not fail and the Creator covers my failures with love. As the Creator will not fail me, I will honor that love by living by love, living with compassion, as the Creator teaches me to live.

Suicide Ride-Spiritual Revival

In 1979, I came to believe beyond all doubt that I no longer had a reason to live. My ex-wife remarried. Her husband was a good person and I knew he could easily replace me as a father and be a greater father than I could ever imagine that I would be.

I quit my engineering job with the telephone company, sold everything I owned, except my tent and motorcycle, and I gave away all of my guitars, sound equipment and amplifiers to the members of the country western band I played in. I had my plan to complete a short bucket list and then end my life.

1979 was a very wet year in Nebraska. I hated the rain, and I longed for the sunny days of my childhood in New Mexico. So, the top of my bucket list was to go to Roswell, New Mexico, roam the desert around the town as I did in my youth, and then end my life in the sun, and let the sun bleach my bones. (Kind of morbid, but that was my mind set.)

I packed a couple of changes of clothes and my tent in late August, and set out on my motorcycle for Roswell. As I topped the Raton Pass I saw buzzards circling high in the sky. I smiled and whispered that soon they would have something to eat.

A few hours later, about fifty miles out of Roswell, rain started pouring hard. The frogs in the desert took delight and hopped around on the highway, making the highway slippery as their blood and guts squirted under my tires. It was too dangerous to try to avoid them. Finally, in Roswell, I rode to my old neighborhood and sat in front of my old house. I saw my neighbor in her house, in a wheel chair. I was saddened. She baby sat with us numerous times in my childhood. She was such a sweet lady, but she was tough, as well. And now, she seemed so frail and helpless.

I was soaking wet, and the rain continued to pour. I thought it would pass by morning then I could go about the business of dying. But, the weatherman had different ideas. Three days later, it was still raining. In fact, it had rained eleven inches in the three days. That was more than the normal rain fall for a year in Roswell. I became angry, packed up the motorcycle and headed for Las Cruces, New Mexico.

I camped north of Las Cruces in a little state park in the desert, about a mile east ot the Rio Grand River. It was beautiful, sunny, warm and I felt at peace and at home. I was the only person in the entire park. I spent the next three days just walking around in the desert, loving every minute. Then one morning I decided it was time to die. I took my rope and walked toward my motorcycle. I was going to tie the rope to a post, run it through my sissy bar, tie it to my neck and blast my motorcycle at top speed to rip my head off.

As I walked toward my cycle, I was thinking, “What a beautiful day to die.” There were no clouds visible in front of me. Then I heard a loud explosion. I turned around to see huge, dark thunder clouds rolling in at enormous speed. The rain came so fast that I ran in an inch of water and was soaked to the bone before I could get to my tent. When in the tent, I shook my fist and screamed at God, “You leave me alone! You can't stop me! I will die in the sunshine, you can't stop me!”

Suddenly, the hair on my arms and my neck began to rise. I knew then that lightening was going to strike. Again, I screamed at God again to leave me alone. Then a loud explosion. The lightening had hit a brick pump house less than a hundred feet from me. I looked out the tent to see a corner of the pump house gone, and smoke rising gently from the bricks. I decided I would wait a day or so, and try again.

A few days later, I took my rope in hand and tied it off, pushed it through my sissy bar and sat on my motorcycle preparing to die. Suddenly, out of nowhere, either a vision or a hallucination, I don't know; I saw a child by his mother at a grave site. The child asked his mother, “Is my dad with grandpa, now?” His mother assured him that his dad was well with grandpa, but there was no conviction in her voice to indicate she truly believed it.

Then, just as suddenly an angry face appeared almost nose to nose in my face, screaming, “I hate my dad, I hate my dad! He left me alone! I hope he is burning in hell! He's nothing but a coward!"

I came to realize, that the two children were my son at age 6 and at age 15. I was shaken to the core! I decided I needed more time to think about what I saw. I spent another three or four days walking around in the desert, thinking.

I finally decided that I would continue with my plan, but before I did, I would go to the Chiricahua Mountains in Arizona and immerse myself in the history of two of my heroes, Geronimo and Cochise.

I stopped in Bowie, Arizona to rest for the night. I had a hamburger at the hotel and decided to call my son. He asked me, “Dad, when are you coming home.” I lied, “I have to get a job, and in about six months I'll come see you.”

“Dad, you are a liar! You are never coming back and you know it!” he screamed.

The blood ran out of my head and my body collapsed in the phone booth. The power of those words, the knowledge that my son was the only person that knew what I was up to, and the vision of the days before just was too overwhelming. I told my son I would call him later, and I went to my room to plan out the next day's route to the Chiricahua Mountains. But, I was very deeply shaken and haunted by my son's words.

On the maps, I saw there was an “improved” road out of Bowie that would make a twelve mile trip out of a sixty mile trip by the highway. Well, that twelve mile “improved” road was a jeep trail across the desert that would often disappear. The only way to get back on it was to look ahead and see where it picked up. That twelve mile trip took six hours. It was a rough go. But, it gave me more time to process.

The trail took me into the mountains through the Apache Pass, where Chochise ambushed military water wagons. After a few masacres, the Army established Fort Bowie about a mile from the pass. I sat in the pass and immersed myself in the feeling of the horrible struggles that took place there. I left with a somber mood.

Later, I approached the road to the Chochise National Monument. A vulture perched on a fence post watched me with interest. I stopped and assured him that if he hung around, there would be a carcus to feast on. He flew away, and I continued into the canyon. I could feel the spirits of the band of Native Americans that once hid in those mountains. The true freedom fighters on their last efforts.

I found a campsite. There was a shower house, and across a dry stream bed was the campsite. I rode my motorcycle down in the stream bed and up the other side to get to the site. It was isolated and I could easily kill myself without intervention. I parked my bike and walked back through the dry stream bed to the shower house to relieve myself. The door closed behind me and then I heard an explosion and the area became dark as night. Rain poured down like I have never seen before. I watched out of the window as that dry stream bed filled to the very top. My motorcycle began to sink in the mud and fell over. Now, I just laughed. I spoke to God, “I guess you have me cornered now.” I knew now, that this trip was never my plan, but God's plan, and God was bound and determined to keep me alive. Still, I was not sure if I would honor God's plan. I still was not convinced that I wanted to live.

I spent three days walking around in the mountains, and on the third day I climbed up a cliff near my campsite. At the top of the cliff was a natural lookout tower. I imagined a young warrior looking down the canyon, his heart pounding in his chest as he signaled to others that the cavalry was closing in on them. I watched the hawks circling above screaming at me that I was in their domain. After a while, I began my ascent down the side of the cliff. Suddenly, I felt extreme pain in my left leg. With my body against the cliff wall, I could not see what was going on with the leg. I was sure that some one had shot me. My leg felt like it was on fire, and I felt my boot filling with blood. I continued to climb down and at the bottom of the cliff I lifted my pant leg to see a puncture wound and blood pumping out of the wound. I walked to my campsite and sat on a boulder, removed my boot to see that my leg was purple with a yellow streak in the middle of all of the purple. Blood continued to spurt out. I poured the blood out of my boot and wrung the blood out of my sock. It was a mess. Then I realized I had been bitten by a rattlesnake. My leg was still on fire, began to spasm, and cramp. I decided, this was the end, I would be dead in a few hours.

I then decided that maybe I should try to figure out why I wanted to die. I spoke frankly to my old friend, God. “You know, I am really tired of living. I want to die. And I really miss you im my life. I have never wanted anything more than to be your friend. God, if you still want me, I am yours. But, I will do nothing about this. If you want me, you have to fix it.

Suddenly, I felt a loving warmth around me. It was complete and total unconditional love. It was so intense that I cried. I had never felt unconditional love before. Even so, I left it to God to take care of the snake bite.

The next day, with my leg cramping and with spasms. I loaded up my bike to go home. I was renewed, and I just wanted to go home and be loving. God had revived me spiritually. I no longer wanted to die. I was reborn, for lack of any other words to describe my mindset.

My leg? It took eight weeks before the cramping and spasms stopped. And for the next year, they returned frequently to remind me of my new life.

Truth and Kindness

Once again, I’m not sure I can do this very well.  In a way this is a review of the Netflix Longmire series, but it is more about the thought it has provoked, i.e. my reaction to it.  Of specific interest to me are the answers to these questions in my personal life. 1) What is truth?  2) What is good and what is evil?

There are people and places in the Longmire story that are symbolic of the forces of good and evil.  The protagonist, Walt Longmire, is not only one of the symbols of good, but is also in a constant struggle with the question, “what is truth.”  His best friend, Henry Standing Bear is the classical helper for the main character, Walt Longmire, and Walt’s daughter, Cady Longmire, is also a supporting character and possibly a snapshot of the younger, good-hearted, idealistic Walt Longmire.  Deputy Victoria “Vic” Moretti played the role of the protector of Sherriff Walt Longmore and harbored an unconfessed love for the Sherriff. 

The city of Durant, Wyoming represents the normal day-to-day American middle class citizen, while the “Rez” represents the vulnerable poor.  

On the other side was the chief of evil, Malachi Strand, and the morally compromised Jacob Night Horse. 

Malachi Strand was the epitome of evil.  He was shrewd.  He was cruel and merciless.  He was so skilled at weaving a web of deceit, entrapping his prey, using his prey until it was of no use to him, then disposing of it ruthlessly.

Jacob Night Horse built a casino using the money of a wealthy man, Barlow Connally, who represents the power of money to corrupt people in power. But, when Barlow Connally is killed (suicide by cop), Jacob turns to more corrupting force for financing his casino, the Irish Mafia, which in turn threatens to take over Jacob’s entire operation and flood the “rez” with drugs and more poverty.  While Jacob surely did dance with the devil, it was never his intent to do more harm to his Native community.  But that is the nature of evil, to attract and corrupt little by little, and finally totally destroy or control its prey.

There is another character that shows only three times in the series, Mary Jo Murphy, a hermit naturalist that just wants to stay away from the path of corruption, and do what she can to save nature from that corruption, as well.  I think most people may not recognize her role, but because of my interests in goodness, pureness of heart, and spiritual influence, I immediately saw an important role.  When Henry Standing Bear was literally staked to the desert floor and left to die by Malachi Strand, Mary Jo showed up to introduce the topic.  While she did kill the men who stood guard over Henry, she did nothing to help Henry directly, but she told him that if his heart was good and pure, the spirits would help him get free and he would live.  She left a few fetishes to guard him from further harm.  Of course, Walt Longmire eventually found Henry and snatched him from Death’s grip.

There was another off and on character, Dr. Donna Sue Monaghan, a therapist that challenged Walt Longmire to look at things from a different perspective.  She told him that we don’t know truth because everything is clouded by our own biases and interpretations.  Walt immediately protested, “There is truth.” Sometimes, it’s not so easy to see, but we must keep on trying, we must continue to search for it and find it.

So, the Longmire series had many stories and themes going on, but those of great interest to me were the ones that dealt with the nature of good, the nature of evil, and truth.  I’ll start with truth, because without truth, it is going to be hard to define good and evil.

The studies of human psychology reveal that, for the most part, we have already formed our notions of truth before those truths are challenged.  In Walt Longmire’s case, he judged people by his “gut feeling.”  He often determined their guilt or innocence prior to knowing the facts and by his own admission, he gathered those facts that were consistent with his intuition, and rejected those that contradicted those intuitive notions.  It turns out that this is common human behavior.  Psychological research shows that we do somehow miss facts that do not conform to our preconceived notions.  So, in his quest for truth, Longmire often ignored truth.  At one point in the story, he begins to doubt himself, and begins to let the “truth” of others into his process only to his own peril.  He ultimately falls back on intuition and lets that be his guide.

Once upon a time, I found truth in education and religion.  Religion and education were my guides, the rudders that gave me direction.  But, I was not consistent, and I found it extremely hard to understand why.  At some point my education began to undermine my religion.  It became a struggle to find truth, since the “truth” I once knew had been invalidated.  The Wiccans have a rule, “Do no harm.”  The Christians have the Golden Rule:  “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”   Jesus the Christ says the most important law is to love God above all else, and to love one another.  The Talmudic scholar, Hillel said the primal law was “Do not do to others that which you would not like done to you.”  All other law, he said, was “commentary.”  The Dalai Lama says, “Be kind.”

Well, there we have it.  The bottom line law for our behavior is, “be kind.”  Everything else flows from that one “law.”  Love and kindness are truth.  If you are not loving and kind, then there is something in you that is not truth.  You are not operating from a posture of truth if your behavior is not kind.

So that brings us to evil.  Now, it is easy to understand.  If you do harm to others, you are not operating in truth, and you are guided by the deception and corruption of evil.

Oh, if only it were that easy, no? 

That brings me to the Yin and the Yang, the two great components of the universe, the negative and the positive, the passive and the active; this according to the Taoist view of the universe.  I often have heard also, “the Evil, and the Good.”   I reject that label.  One of the points of departure I have had with religions is that everything is given the quality of good or evil, when in fact, nothing is inherently good or inherently evil.  All inanimate objects are inherently morally neutral.  However, all things can be used to harm or help others, but that is the choice of those that use the objects, not the choice of the object.

So, the use of an object comes down to the intent of the one that uses it.  So, when someone beats another with a baseball bat, it is not the baseball bat that is evil.  But, the person using the baseball bat is in violation of the directive to be kind.  The intent of the actor is obviously to do harm.  But, wait!  Maybe not!  What if the “victim” was initially the aggressor and the one with the baseball bat is merely defending him or herself.  Here we go again!  It isn’t so simple anymore, is it?  And again, our perception of who is “right” and who is “wrong” perhaps hinders our judgment and our ability to know truth, doesn’t it?  Because…our perception of reality has been proven to be inaccurate time and time again.

In fact, this whole business of judgment and justice is just plain tricky.  And like Walt Longmire, we have to fall back on intuition.  Then we have to ask, “what is justice?”  The Longmire series asks the same question.  It seems that law is made to favor one class of citizen over another and in the end, justice is not served; that is to say, that the harm done to another is not reconciled.  So, there is the character of Hector on the “rez.”  When the judicial system cannot resolve an injustice, the tribal people turn to Hector and pay him to mete out justice by doing violence to the accused offender.  But somehow, the role of Hector is blurred and imperfect as well, because…truth is so hard to know at times.

As Walt Longmire said, we have to seek out truth. We must, or justice cannot be served.  If justice is based on truth, then justice is also kindness.

But, when truth is known, it behooves us to use it to do good.  A person robs another.  That person is operating from the basis of some untruth, a lie.  So, part of justice not only gives satisfaction to a victim, but must also bring truth to the offender.  And the offender now understanding truth, knows what drove him to wrong another.  And maybe, from there comes rehabilitation.  Sadly, our prisons are just one more indication that our judicial system does not operate on the basis of truth.

So truth and kindness are tightly interwoven.  We must seek truth, and we must be kind.  They work together.  And when we have to resort to intuition for our truth, how do we know it is right?  We must know ourselves intimately.  Meditation is the tool for knowing oneself…and many, many other things that are not readily accessible to us.  Ultimately, we are responsible for our own actions; ultimately we make the choice to do good or to do harm.  Ultimately, each person is responsible for learning truth, and using truth to do good.

Journey – Breaking the Cycle, Part 5

May 3, 2014, 2014

Day 12 of South Beach Phase 1

Starting weight (4/23/2013): 195

Today’s Weight:  188

Loss/Gain (since start):  -7

Breakfast: Canadian bacon, Feta cheese, Parsley, and onions in scrambled eggs.

Lunch:

Supper: 

Snacks:  cucumbers.

Tradition -- I'm the Man. This Is MY Castle May 01, 2014 6:27am

We learn many traditions as children.  We are not aware of it.  We just accept it as matter of fact.  That's the way it is.

In a household that is traditional American Christian, the man in the marriage is the head of the house.  That gets implemented in varying degrees.  This is a partial list of the “traditional” head of household man as I understood it growing up:

The man is responsible for the income.

The man takes care of the lawn.

The man takes care of the farm animals.

The man washes the car.

The man does the barbecue.

The man paints the house

The man is in charge of any project requiring tools and gadgets (because, tongue in cheek,  men innately understand tools and gadgets).

The man is responsible for all financial planning and controls the budget.

The man is responsible for paying the bills.

The man controls the household schedule.  All activity must be approved by the man.

The man's projects all take precedence over any and all other projects.

The man inspects and certifies all operations in the household and may demand they be done over if he is not satisfied with how they are done.

The man ensures the safety of the household and family with any resource available.

The man may delegate his responsibilities and supervises all projects he delegates.

The Woman is second in command if there are children.  Otherwise, the woman has no power, just chores and duties.

Chores and duties for the woman of the house, as I understood it:

The woman cleans everything in the house, from floor to ceiling, from walls to windows, from lamps to ceiling lights, from tables to chairs, from carpets to beds, from clothes to refrigerators and stoves.

The woman cooks all meals and prepares a sack lunch for the man to eat at work.

The woman washes all dishes used in making the meals, eating the meals, and anything dirty from snacks.

The woman makes sure the kids are dressed, fed, and shuttled off to school with lunch bag or lunch money.

The woman attends all teacher/parent conferences.

The woman prepares meals for announced and unannounced guests.

The woman feeds the dogs and cats.

At the main meal of the day, the woman waits on the man and the children, and keeps silent while the man talks about his day.

The woman mends torn clothing.

The woman sews new clothing.

The woman irons or presses all clothing requiring it.

The woman does all the grocery shopping—with or without a car.

The woman does all the shopping required for the children—clothes and school supplies.

The woman does anything else the man tells her to do.

The evening belongs to the man and the woman leaves him alone.

If the woman works outside the house, somehow she still has to manage the household chores.

There are many. Many more unspoken, unwritten rules that a jerk assumes are universal law.  I believe I subscribed to a majority of them.  More about that in my next post.

Journey – Breaking the Cycle, Part 4

April 30, 2014

Day 7 of South Beach Phase 1

Starting weight (4/23/2013): 195

Today’s Weight:  190

Loss/Gain (since start):  -5

Breakfast: Canadian bacon, Feta cheese, sweet peppers, and onions in scrambled eggs.

Lunch: Salmon patty, and spinach soufflé

Supper:  Fatata .

Snacks:  ½ dark chocolate bar, 30 pistachios, and cucumbers, black bean brownies.

We don’t count calories on the South Beach diet.   As long as one sticks to the meals and portions recommended in the diet, there is no need to count calories.  We have around five South Beach recipe books.  Each recipe comes with a tag that designates which phase of the diet the recipe is for.  So, one can prepare meals appropriate to the diet phase.  We are still in phase 1, the low carb diet.  We feel it.

OK, I have a confession.  I said I would journal this quest to break the cycle of eating and dieting.  I have said that the causes are rooted somewhere deep within my psyche, and I would have to address some things that perhaps were  uncomfortable to address, what’s worse, very uncomfortable to even uncover and talk about.  Well, I had an epiphany today.  This time around is easier than previous times.  Why?  Because I don’t have the same emotional baggage I had in previous years.

Call it old age (I’m 67). Or, maybe, just maybe, my efforts over the past several years are starting to pay off.  The reality is that it is probably a combination of both.  But the process in this quest started many years ago.  It did not just start with the beginning of this diet.

Twenty years ago, I was deeply involved in the Evangelical Christian community.  I call it my “Christian Era” and I call my religion then “Churchianity.”  I did not come up with the tag.  I ran across it many, many years ago in a book wherein the author described the activities of many “Christians” as going to church, getting involved in various aspects of the church activities and outreach, all to gain a social status within that community, but never really building a true spiritual relationship with Jesus Christ.  I was a single parent back then.  I had been divorced nearly eighteen years when I met my current wife, Ruth Ann, nearly nineteen years ago.  Prior to meeting Ruth Ann, I simply was not interested in ever being married again.  I did not do well in my first marriage.  I was a jerk, much to my surprise.  When Ruth had come along, I began to realize that I felt like a solid strong Christian, and I felt I was spiritually advanced, but I also realized that I really had not been spiritually challenged for nearly twenty years as a single parent.  I opened up to the idea of marriage, knowing that it would test the mettle of my spirit.

Listen, if we are not pushed, we simply don’t realize how much garbage indwells us.  All of my jerk qualities began to surface with in the first five years of the marriage.  I wanted out of the marriage very badly.  I was pissed at everything.  Nothing is what I thought I had bargained for.  However, by this time, I had grown enough spiritually to realize we have been assigned guides in the spiritual realms.  Some people call them guardian angels.  But, unlike most modern day Christians, I had developed relationships with those spirits, and I conversed with them about everything, including the fact that I wanted out of my marriage.  They simply told me (paraphrased),  “get a divorce, but your spiritual development will stop.”  By this time, my spiritual growth was extremely important to me.  Also, by this time, because of so many contradictions in the practice of “churchianity,” I had abandoned Christianity and any organized religion for that matter.  My guides were not threatening me with punishment.  They were stating a simple fact, staying in this marriage and working through the problems, no matter how painful, was the prescription for my personal spiritual growth.  I would not grow without it.  I stayed in the marriage and started many, many years ago to get to the root of what it is to be a jerk and work to resolve it.

The reason I do not struggle with the same intensity as I did in previous diet cycles is because I have resolved many of the triggers that send me to the fridge.  The chief among those triggers was anger based in a false sense of justice and injustice.  Jerks have a lot to which we think we are entitled, and if we do not get what we think we deserve, we get demanding, forceful, yes, very bitchy about it.  It makes for a miserable life all around.  Slowly, I have identified many of those “entitlements” and found that I did not deserve or earn them at all, and that in fact, one could not deserve or earn them.  I began to realize that all of my unhappiness was coming from within myself.  If I wanted happiness, I had to develop it within myself.  I could blame no one for my unhappiness but myself.  Therefore, I am the one that is solely responsible for my happiness.  It is a huge development, a huge step in my spiritual growth with an outcome of less frustration, less anger and fewer desperate raids on the refrigerator to mitigate the pain.

But I still have other triggers.  I will deal with those, too, in future posts.      

Journey – Breaking the Cycle, Part 3B

April 27, 2014

Day 5 of South Beach Phase 1

Starting weight (4/23/2013): 195

Today’s Weight:  193

Loss/Gain (since start):  -2

Breakfast: Canadian bacon, mushroom, Feta cheese, sweet peppers, onions omelet.

Lunch: Salmon patty with baby carrots and Hummus

Supper:  Cobb salad with a homemade poppy seed sauce.

Snacks:  Baby carrots, Healthy Choice Fudge Ice Cream Bar (100 calories), 30 pistachios, and cucumbers.

OK, so I am essentially spirit.  My essence lives forever.  All other things are temporary—including this body I inhabit, this body that literally weighs me down.  I am grateful for all I have and don’t have.  I have a purpose for living.  And last, but not least, I know absolutely that I am loved unconditionally.   As a practical matter, what does this mean?

Less than a year ago, I couldn’t say that I was grateful for much.  Most of all things I have read about happiness are that people that are happy are thankful.  They truly appreciate what they have.  Well, what has changed that now I am thankful?  I learned from Rhonda Byrne in her book, The Magic, a trick.  (I am not recommending the book.  Byrne’s focus is to use the “magic” of gratitude to get more.  Her premise is a total contradiction, but the exercises were worth doing to increase my awareness of just how blessed I am.)  Everyday write down ten things for which you are thankful.  Each day might have a few repeats, but for the most part, each day brings with it a new list of things for which to be thankful.  This morning’s list went like this:

1. I am thankful for my wife because she has been very helpful and supporting in getting healthy and losing weight.  She’s a fantastic cook, and a great friend.
2. I am thankful for my financial stability.
3. I am thankful for my mortgage free house.   That frees up around $500/month for other pressing expenses.
4. I am thankful for my step-daughter and her son.  I learn so much from them.
5. I am thankful for my spirit guides who have been so faithful to me in spite of my many, many failures.
6. I am thankful for my two vehicles so we don't have to rely on others to take us shopping.
7. I am thankful for our computers and our internet connection.  There is so much we can do with them.
8. I am thankful for my Nook that holds 237 books that I don’t have to dust.
9. I am thankful for my dogs that give me so much joy.
10. I am thankful for the trials that have ground me and honed me into a better person.

I don’t have to remind myself of my purpose.  It is with me 24/7.  I have three lovely people and 2 sweet dogs for whom I am responsible.  ‘Nuff said, there.

Sometimes, when I am dealing with failure, I learn to forgive myself as I have been forgiven by those who love me unconditionally.  I don’t need guilt burdens.  I have plenty else with which to contend.  Right now, my focus is to get to the root of my eating disorder and correct it.  I need energy and time to do that.  I can’t waste time or energy beating myself up.  I will expend time and energy to get back on track.

What other changes have I made in my daily routine?

First, I have stopped watching TV while I eat.  Thich Nhat Hanh notes that people that watch TV while they eat will eat more because they are not aware of their consumption.  I found that the quiet and the pleasant conversation with my wife is much more relaxing.

Second, I am actually trying to remember to take time to chew my food, and be totally aware of what I am doing.  Thich Nhat Hanh calls it “mindfulness.”  Being totally focused on what we are doing.  Our mind should not be romping around in the  fields past memories, hurts, and joys.  Our mind should not be trying to predict what tomorrow will bring.  Our focus should be on eating, tasting, savoring.  And by the way, when I was younger and knew everything, I poo-pooed the idea that focusing on one’s breathing would be useful.   It is now the most useful tool I have in my repertoire of tools for calming myself.  I can even drop my blood pressure by 30 points with a good focused breathing session.

Third, I am blogging.  I am evaluating the reasons for making the blog public.  I have some decisions to make in that regard.

A note about Phase 1 of the South Beach diet:  It is designed to break your addiction to carbohydrates.  It is a VERY low carbohydrate menu of foods we can eat.  Yesterday, I had to clean the gutters and down spouts for our townhome.  I do the neighbor’s unit as well, because she has no one to do it for her.  Her basement floods if the gutters overflow. I forgot how much of an impact a low carb diet has on one’s energy.  It was less than an hour of work, carrying the ladder, and the blower around.  But, it exhausted me for the rest of the day.  A word to the wise: be aware that if you are doing a South Beach Phase 1 diet, your energy level is very low.  You may even get dizzy if you attempt anything too strenuous.

I learned today that carrots have sugar and are not part of Phase 1 foods allowed.  I will definitely rely more on the cucumbers for my snacks.

Be Peace

Be Love